How to not leave yourself behind

When you spend a lifetime putting other people first, it can become a trait which ingrains itself so deeply into every inch of your personality that suddenly you don’t know quite know how to care for yourself.

I don’t mean that you forget how to physically care for yourself, I think the majority of us remember how to bathe and feed ourselves, however you forget what’s good for you. You forget what you need as a person, what makes you happy, what makes you feel fulfilled and this is all because you are too busy helping the people around you with their problems and trying to make sure they are the ones who are fulfilled.

Nurturing is a very lovely trait for somebody to have and if you are one of the beings on this planet who has the ability to talk to people and help them through their lives then that’s great, it’s not something you should ever try to change, however we need to learn to control it and give sparingly, otherwise you leave yourself behind.

Leaving yourself behind can mean different things for different people, I can only speak from my own experiences so for me it meant finding myself feeling very lost. I felt as if I had fallen into a big dark hole and I wasn’t sure how I’d ever get out, but even if and when I did manage to climb out, I didn’t know where I was going to go from there. Sometimes it was just easier to stay down in the hole because I became so scared of what I would face on the outside. I suddenly lost interest in everything and became full of fear and dread. I couldn’t see any direction for myself, I seemed to have no future ahead of me at all, yet all this time I was still able to help others and help them to clear their paths so they could move forward, but I had no path.

I found myself wondering if this was it for me, had I lived my life to this point and there was nowhere further for me to go? I didn’t believe that making changes could help me, I was scared of change and thought that no matter what I did, it wouldn’t make a difference anyway, I would end up back in the hole.

How did things change? I can’t say that things changed overnight. Sometimes it’s hard to even come to terms with the fact that you have left yourself behind. Being a ‘yes’ person can make things very difficult for you. Wanting to nurture, to care for people and solve their problems is something which comes naturally so it’s a hard habit to break but once you manage to control this, it can become a wonderful thing.

Things you must remember;

It is ok to say NO. 

You don’t have to put yourself out to please everyone else all of the time. You don’t have to be rude to people, initially you will probably feel guilty, you’ll probably feel like a bad person but you must remember we all have our limits and if you want to say no then do it. If you find this really difficult then try to have a think about the ways you can say no, can you back it up with reason and logic? This might make it easier for people to swallow.

It’s ok to tell people how you’re feeling. 

You are probably so used to listening to how other people are feeling that you rarely tell others how you feel. Try asking them if you can talk about you for a little while, tell them when something is really bothering you, again it’s all about how you say it, so think about how to broach the subject and the words you are using. Remember that it might be totally new for them to hear you talking about yourself for a change, they might just be too used to you being the listener so this might take a bit of time. Try to be patient whilst they get used to this change, and if they cant accept it then maybe they just aren’t good for you.

Don’t be afraid to lose people

If there’s one thing I have learned recently, it’s that you will probably lose people whilst you are going through big changes in your life. I’ve had people who I was terrified to lose and really wanted to cling onto but I was in a really bad place which left me anxious and unable to talk to people properly. I was scared of talking to those closest to me because these were the people I had to be honest with and I found that impossible, I couldn’t put my feelings into words and I was easily overwhelmed. This put a big strain on most of my relationships with people and some people found it unbearable, believed I was choosing not to speak or being rude and left my life. This can be absolutely heartbreaking but you have to accept and respect peoples decisions.

If you are talking to people who just aren’t supportive then honestly, if they are the kind of person who doesn’t want to listen to how you are feeling and only want you to listen to them then they are probably a little bit of a drain on you and contribute to you leaving yourself behind.

Do what you want 

Did you want to spend the day with your partner on Saturday but now someone has called upon you for help? Sometimes this will be fine and you’ll choose to help your friend but if you initially get a bad feeling knowing that you’d rather not, then excuse yourself and do what you want to do. We aren’t always available for other people and although it can make you feel incredibly selfish. Have a think about the people around you, are they always available at the drop of a hat, do they cancel their plans for you? There was probably a reason why you wanted to spend the day with your partner anyway. You might need some quality time together which will be good for both of you.

Do you want to change your career but feel too frightened or worried about leaving your current employer, again you have to go with what you feel is right. If your current role was right for you then you wouldn’t even be thinking about another job. It’s never too late to make a change. Go for it!

It’s ok to to put yourself first, this doesn’t make you a selfish person. If you care for people then you will never lose that trait, you can still be a good friend but you need to learn to make yourself happy. Infact you need to be happy yourself in order to support all of these people around you.

Think of yourself as an apple tree, if the tree has no water and no light, will the apples still grow?